Safe is the new risky

Do you care whether David Becker lives or dies? Perhaps that isn’t a fair question, considering you don’t even know the guy. All right, then, let me tell you about this David Becker.

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Lost in transition

At the age of nine, while lounging on the floor of a friend’s home, playing Monopoly, Sarah Mercer attempted a feat that put her in hospital for three days: she tried to get up. Unfortunately, her left knee had other plans, opting to fracture rather than co-operate.

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Where the gobbledygook flows naturally

A friend of mine who works for the federal government often asks me for help when writing a report. Why wouldn’t she? I am, after all, a professional arranger of words and an expert on even the most obscure rules of English grammar. (Example: “i” before “e” except after Labour Day.)

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Whole again

Wayne Griffiths was standing in the doorway of an associate’s office one day in the spring of 1991 when he felt the tape on his penis come undone. The 7-ounce weight that had been attached to the tape slid down a pant leg and hit the floor.

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Swiped

DECEMBER 2, 2003, BURGER KING, 1356 CLYDE AVENUE, OTTAWA
The two men met Johnny Wilcox* at a Burger King near his work to make him an offer. How would he like to make an easy $700 tomorrow?

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Medical ink

If your spouse’s initials are “D.N.R.” you should probably think twice before tattooing them on your chest. Then again, if your end-of-life plans include a do-not-resuscitate order, maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all.

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Why caucasian fathers are superior

I’m better than you. I don’t say this to offend you, but merely to state fact. Sure, you may be better at some things (macrame, column writing) but, over all, I’m superior. If life were a sport in the Summer Olympics, I would win the gold medal. You would be Canada.

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Canada’s nuclear fallout

This may come as a surprise, but the Ontario town of Chalk River was once mentioned in sentences that didn’t contain the word “fiasco.” Anyone who’s glanced at a newspaper in the past three months knows those days are over.

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